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South Seattle Slew

South Seattle Slew: The (Star)Bucks Stops Here

May 10, 2010

in Opinion

South Seattle Slew offers up a dose of snarky satire, southeast-style. He suggests you take it with a grain of salt, at least one glass of water after a meal, and avoid operating heavy machinery after reading:

Caramel macchiatos, cinnamon dolce lattes and peppermint white chocolate mochas. Just three of the scrumptious beverages not coming to a Safeway near you.

The longstanding partnership between grocery giant Safeway and coffee monolith Starbucks has been a fruitful one, earning both companies millions over the past decade. Their symbiotic relationship is such that hardly a Safeway in the Northwest exists without a Starbucks kiosk. Not only do shoppers get to enjoy a delicious corporate latte while they shop, Starbucks is provided with yet another opportunity to create jittery junkies for its mildly-addictive, hot, frothy stimulants. Everybody’s happy.

Everybody, that is, except for coffee lovers near the soon-to-be-renovated Safeway on the corner of MLK and Othello.

While the scheduled Safeway renovation allows for a Starbucks’ kiosk within the store, Starbucks is opting not to invest in the light-rail-adjacent market. Apparently Starbucks fears that a kiosk in the Safeway would suck business from the drive-thru only store a mile north at MLK, Jr. Way and Graham Street.

Let’s consider this. Shall we?

Starbucks, well known for putting multiple storefronts on the same block in more affluent communities, is betting that a walk-up kiosk a half-block away from a busy light-rail station and across the street from a major new mixed-use development would infringe on a business that only serves coffee to people in cars a mile away.

So much for sustainability. If you want a Starbucks’ mocha, you better drive. And no pedestrian walk-throughs allowed!

The good news is that we can expect very little Starbucks coffee to be spilled on the trains.

But why wouldn’t Starbucks want to invest in the Othello community?

It wasn’t long ago that Safeway failed to see the benefit of staying put in their Othello location and made plans to sell the property under a lease restriction that wouldn’t have permitted the new owner to open another market there. Fortunately, Safeway management was made aware of the opportunity that exists in the rapidly growing Othello Station neighborhood and reversed their position. Remodeling construction is due to start this month.

And it should be noted that Starbucks has no problem adding shops in business districts nestled up against affluent Seward Park and Mt. Baker. Some say the Starbucks location at MLK & Rainier is one of company’s most profitable in the city. The average home price around Othello is about $330,000; is that considered not affluent enough for Starbucks to invest?

Recently, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz explained to shareholders how Starbucks is positioned for disciplined and strategic growth to drive market share, “The reframed Starbucks business proposition will deliver great coffee to every customer, in every format, and in every place they want it.”

Every place that is, but Seattle’s newest light rail community, Othello in South Seattle.

WTF?! Will Starbucks decide that a light rail community in South Seattle deserves the lattes, mochas and cappuccinos they sell to the rest of Seattle? Or will they continue to treat us like drips? Send your thoughts here!

Photo/do communications, inc.

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Othello’s “UnSafeway”: For Sale or Off the Market?

April 3, 2009

in Opinion

South Seattle Slew offers up a dose of snarky satire, southeast-style. He suggests you take it with a grain of salt, at least one glass of water after a meal, and avoid operating heavy machinery after reading:

Neighbors are expressing concern in the wake of recent news that the Safeway Corporation put the beloved UnSafeway at the corner of MLK and Othello up for sale a year ago before recently pulling it off the market.

“That building is a landmark,” said Othello Historical Society president Mitchell Schwartz. “Generations of residents of Rainier Valley have shopped there, and the building has remained unchanged over all those years. Not a single improvement has been made to it. It remains a testament to the brilliant architecture of the 1950s. And much of the produce has been here since the building’s construction.”

While other grocery stores in the region have adopted trendy modernizations, such as large, well-lit fruit and vegetable aisles, extensive delis and ample organic food selections, the UnSafeway has eschewed such gimmicks in favor of popular amenities such as pre-wilted greens, a malt liquor selection that rivals any local convenience store and the assurance that you will never find an artichoke on the premises.

Safeway’s plan to sell the property includes a deed restriction that would prevent the construction of another grocery store, pharmacy or gas station on the land.

Myra Robinson, 73, who has walked to the store for her groceries for almost 50 years, thinks Safeway would be making a big mistake closing down the UnSafeway.

“Safeway seems to think that if they close down this store then I’ll be forced to go to the Safeway in Rainier Beach or the Safeway in Columbia City, just because there aren’t any other stores around here… I guess they’re right, actually. I will have to shop at Safeway.”

“What are they going to do, shop at PCC?” snickered Safeway spokesperson Stephen Wiltagreen. “Hey, we own the valley. What are you gonna do about it, drive to QFC?”

Others, like OHS president Schwartz, hope that the building’s historical significance is enough to keep it in business.

“Remember, this was a state-of-the-art building in 1953,” said Schwartz. “There were only two brands of potato chips back then, regular and ruffles. Just look at how many brands of chips there are in the UnSafeway today; salt and vinegar, jalapeño, Maui sweet onion… And people say the UnSafeway hasn’t kept up with the times? I don’t think anyone down here wants to see this old beauty torn down and replaced with a deluxe ‘green’ store with a community gathering space and an outdoor coffee shop with a fireplace like that monstrosity they’re building in Pinehurst. We won’t stand for it!”

Safeway made the curious decision to sell the store right before the opening of a light rail station just steps from its front door. And with plans underway to construct more than 700 residences in the immediate vicinity of the store and no other supermarkets in the area, business seems certain to increase.

“We don’t think the facility can handle that much business,” said Wiltagreen. “With that many customers we’d have to deliver fresh fruits and vegetables all the time. Frankly, we’d rather keep that high-grade produce at our ‘real’ stores in places like Pinehurst.”

“And let’s face it,” he continued. “If more people go in there it’s just going to be more people who think the place sucks and complain about it. That’s not good for the Safeway brand.”

Othello’s only comprehensive grocery store (above) has gone up for sale, and the seller – Safeway – is trying to restrict the future buyer from bringing in a grocer, pharmacy or gas station. Photo/do communications, inc.

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South Seattle Slew: Snopocolypse ’08 Slowed Rising Crime Numbers

January 16, 2009

in Opinion

The RVP’s newest contributor, the “South Seattle Slew” offers up a dose of snarky satire, southeast-style. He suggests you take it with a grain of salt, at least one glass of water after a meal, and avoid operating heavy machinery after reading:

The powerful winter storm that blasted through Washington last month had at least one unanticipated positive: for the first time in months, and much to the delight of the embattled police force, crime statistics in Southeast Seattle dove sharply.

“We’ve seen dramatic drops in the number of burglaries, assaults, crimes involving a handgun and crimes not involving a snowball,” said police spokesmodel Zed Wiggles. “The numbers clearly show that the department’s renewed vigilance has ended the crime wave… Not that there was a crime wave.”

The department has come under fire with the recent release of statistics that show Southeast Seattle struggling under an onslaught of criminal activity.

Deebie did acknowledge that the police department may have received an assist from the record-setting cold snap. Criminals were hindered by frozen trigger fingers, poor shoe traction and, in some cases, having to wear another oversized puffy jacket over their already oversized puffy jacket. But the biggest factor slowing crime was icy roads.

“As we told people all week, if you don’t have four-wheel drive or chains on the wheels of your vehicle you’re not going to be safe on the roads,” said Wiggles. “And I think that’s even more important if you’re out committing crimes. It’s just unsafe to hop into a getaway car that’s not set up for winter driving conditions. That kept a lot of the more responsible criminals at home.”

At least one attempted mugging was thwarted when the assailant struggled to fit his gloved finger through the trigger of his pistol, allowing the would-be victim to shuffle through the snow to safety.

“Also, it’s apparent that many people took out their violent impulses on snowmen,” said Wiggles. “While the department does not endorse violent acts committed on innocent snowmen, it is obviously preferable to violence perpetrated against non-snowmen.”

The department has been under fire since the release of statistics that show a marked increase in most South Seattle crime categories from 2007 to 2008, including a staggering 112% increase in the number of assaults and a near tripling of the number of the number of non-residential burglaries (187%).

With most of the city locked down by blizzard conditions for days on end, police found it easy to nab the few thieves and muggers who even made it to work.

“I know that if I was in a gang or part of some criminal syndicate and I saw this weather I’d just want to stay home and curl up with a cup of cocoa and a book,” explained Wiggles. “And let’s face it, it’s easy to follow somebody in the snow, they leave great tracks.”

“Just look at that movie “Fargo,” continued Wiggles blithely. “A pregnant lady can bust murderers in the snow. It just makes the job a lot easier.”

And what is the city’s plan for keeping crime numbers at these new lows? A representative of the city illustrated an ambitious plan.

“The mayor’s office is exploring the possibility of keeping Southeast Seattle’s streets in a permanent state of deep freeze,” said Seattle Department of Transportation (SDOT) spokesmodel Hope Tunacan. “City engineers are exploring the possibility of installing massive ice-generating air conditioners all over the south end. We believe the increased number of slip-and-fall accidents will be more than offset by the decrease in home invasions and carjackings. If it’s hard to walk, it’s probably going to be hard to get mugged, too.”

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RVP Debuts New Column: South Seattle Slew Offers Snarky Satire, Southeast-Style

November 23, 2008

in Opinion

In an effort to inject some humor and levity into what has – politically speaking – been a rather contentious couple of years in the valley, our newest contributor, known only as the “South Seattle Slew” offers up a dose of snarky satire, southeast-style. He suggests you take this new monthly column with “a grain of salt, at least one glass of water after a meal, and avoid operating heavy machinery after reading”:

Growing Excitement for ‘Light Rail to Nowhere’

South Seattle residents are enthusiastic for next year’s eagerly anticipated opening of the light rail.

“Just imagine it,” gushed Othello resident Shane Damone, “I can hop on the rail and go to Sea-Tac, or the ballpark!”

The service will carry passengers from Downtown Seattle to Sea-Tac Airport as well as from Sea-Tac Airport back to Downtown Seattle. Asked if he would use the light rail regularly, Damone was less effusive.

”No, I don’t really fly anywhere. And I’m not a fan of baseball. It’s too slow for me. Unlike that super-fast light rail!”

Stacey Bramfth is looking forward to taking the light rail to work.

“Living in Columbia City and working in Redmond, it’s just a really bad commute. I can’t wait to fly across the lake on the light rail,” said Bramfth with perky, uninformed optimism.

Told that the light rail system will probably not reach the Eastside until 2020, Bramfth said, “Well, that sucks. At least I can take the rail to South Center Mall.” When informed that the light rail would not go to the mall, Bramfth’s smile melted into a look of disgust.

The light rail system is projected to carry more than 42,500 passengers every day by the year 2020. Many prognosticators are also picking 2020 as the year the Mariners will be competitive again in the American League West.

“I think that’s assuming a lot,” said Othello resident Allan Bells.

“The year 2020? That sounds optimistic. I have my doubts that there will even be a city of Seattle that far into the future.”

Bells does see some benefit to the new light rail, however.

“I can eat at the Sea-Tac 13 Coins every day of the week when the light rail opens. Twenty-four hour omelets, here I come!”

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