The RVP’s newest contributor, the “South Seattle Slew” offers up a dose of snarky satire, southeast-style. He suggests you take it with a grain of salt, at least one glass of water after a meal, and avoid operating heavy machinery after reading:
The powerful winter storm that blasted through Washington last month had at least one unanticipated positive: for the first time in months, and much to the delight of the embattled police force, crime statistics in Southeast Seattle dove sharply.
“We’ve seen dramatic drops in the number of burglaries, assaults, crimes involving a handgun and crimes not involving a snowball,” said police spokesmodel Zed Wiggles. “The numbers clearly show that the department’s renewed vigilance has ended the crime wave… Not that there was a crime wave.”
The department has come under fire with the recent release of statistics that show Southeast Seattle struggling under an onslaught of criminal activity.
Deebie did acknowledge that the police department may have received an assist from the record-setting cold snap. Criminals were hindered by frozen trigger fingers, poor shoe traction and, in some cases, having to wear another oversized puffy jacket over their already oversized puffy jacket. But the biggest factor slowing crime was icy roads.
“As we told people all week, if you don’t have four-wheel drive or chains on the wheels of your vehicle you’re not going to be safe on the roads,” said Wiggles. “And I think that’s even more important if you’re out committing crimes. It’s just unsafe to hop into a getaway car that’s not set up for winter driving conditions. That kept a lot of the more responsible criminals at home.”
At least one attempted mugging was thwarted when the assailant struggled to fit his gloved finger through the trigger of his pistol, allowing the would-be victim to shuffle through the snow to safety.
“Also, it’s apparent that many people took out their violent impulses on snowmen,” said Wiggles. “While the department does not endorse violent acts committed on innocent snowmen, it is obviously preferable to violence perpetrated against non-snowmen.”
The department has been under fire since the release of statistics that show a marked increase in most South Seattle crime categories from 2007 to 2008, including a staggering 112% increase in the number of assaults and a near tripling of the number of the number of non-residential burglaries (187%).
With most of the city locked down by blizzard conditions for days on end, police found it easy to nab the few thieves and muggers who even made it to work.
“I know that if I was in a gang or part of some criminal syndicate and I saw this weather I’d just want to stay home and curl up with a cup of cocoa and a book,” explained Wiggles. “And let’s face it, it’s easy to follow somebody in the snow, they leave great tracks.”
“Just look at that movie “Fargo,” continued Wiggles blithely. “A pregnant lady can bust murderers in the snow. It just makes the job a lot easier.”
And what is the city’s plan for keeping crime numbers at these new lows? A representative of the city illustrated an ambitious plan.
“The mayor’s office is exploring the possibility of keeping Southeast Seattle’s streets in a permanent state of deep freeze,” said Seattle Department of Transportation (SDOT) spokesmodel Hope Tunacan. “City engineers are exploring the possibility of installing massive ice-generating air conditioners all over the south end. We believe the increased number of slip-and-fall accidents will be more than offset by the decrease in home invasions and carjackings. If it’s hard to walk, it’s probably going to be hard to get mugged, too.”
Who to know, where to eat & what to do in one of America’s most diverse zip codes!
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I applaud city leadership on this issue! Permanently frozen streets is the first pro-active anti-crime initiative since the failed re-alignment of the south precinct borders in January ’08 which added 40% to the south precinct jurisdiction but gave us only 2 of the 10 officers required.
Perhaps if it’s done right the ice can be shaved and graded to fill the potholes and pavement defects and make the top surface smooth?
Ya gotta give our city leaders the credit they deserve!
For the first time, our car was broken into right in our own driveway – in the middle of the first snowstorm! Then less than 2 weeks later, a friend’s car was broken into while she was visiting – again, in the snow!
We had been trying to figure out what about the snow encourages people to break into cars and steal stuff, but I guess the fact is that we’re just the outliers in the stats.
For once the city administration has demonstrated a proactive stance on crime prevention. Who would have known Mayor Nickels and Chief “k” could have performed so well? Not only did they have divine intervention on the snow, they chose not to be more proactive with snow removal. I guess the hit they took for not doing their jobs and meeting the staffing for the south precinct got to be too much. Next step for the Mayor? Maybe it’s buying the Sonics back for twice what the Okies paid for it?
Even though this is satire, I bet the crime rates did drop in South Seattle during the month of December…….
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